Hey! Who deleted last week's episode of Bones?
I heard they kissed.
- Where is it? - I know!
- Where is it? - Where's what?
Limited edition lap hog
- X.L. Condom. Who took it? - Why are you wearing my shirt?
Your what? Your shirt? I got this at the thrift store.
You got a t-shirt from my middle school Randomly at a thrift store?
Yeah. What's the big deal?
You find lots of treasures at thrift stores.
What are you, a thrift-store professional now? Where's my condom?
- Hey, guys... - what are you talking about?
My hair foam's missing. It's gone.
I know he doesn't need it 'cause he's got a thick head of hair.
- Okay. - You're like a lion.
But this mane is looking extra thick.
That's bizarre, 'cause I was thinking last week
Ders is looking like a bald, old woman.
- Let me smell your hair. - What are you...
I'm gonna need to smell your hair.
Stop it! You're not smelling my hair!
Where is it, guys?
This collection means a lot to me, all right?
That's the shirt I wore
In seventh grade when I won the indiana jones...
My dad looks exactly like michael chiklis.
I will not forgive you if you took it.
Oh, michael chiklis? Really?
Why would I ever, ever take hair-care products?
I don't believe you, man!
Well, you are a liar and a thief!
I'm a teenage beer wolf!
- I'm down. - Beer wolf down!
Who is ready for a night at the museum of tolerance
Of alcohol? I am.
Turn that song up!
Turn the beat up.
Guys, no! No. She's my baby.
Shoot the wiper fluid! Shoot the wiper fluid!
That's cool. You see everyone's technique.
Yes, thank you.
They're my costumes. I'm taking an improv class.
I thought this would be the perfect place
To start auditioning some of my characters.
I should be an actor.
A lot of people say I look like matt damon...
's his ugly younger brother,
Philip... just more jowls.
I can see that.
A lot of people don't know about him.
People say I look like weird al sometimes...
Like, his son.
Oh, wait. I forgot the beer.
Oh! Hey, buddy.
Are you looking for mr. Walker's pool party?
Yeah, we're just going up.
Right. It's gonna be next door in our community pool.
- Ooh. Interesting. - Really?
- Oh, he's a trickster. - Okay.
- He's a trickster. - Thanks a lot.
Hey, guys, I need you to behave yourselves,
For real.
Good call. I'll throw this one away right now.
- Yeah. - Thank you.
Rock a jock, ten-point shot!
- Get it! - Hey, oh!
I am sorry about that.
Dan cortese would've made that.
- He would've made that one. - I hate punks.
Sorry! We're gonna wear shoes.
Wait a minute. Come on!
- Ah! - Got him. Yes!
Okay. Guess who I voted for in 2000.
Bush.
O-oh. My favorite band?
Pubic enemy.
Gotta tell you, tez, some spread you got here.
Can I cross a line here and just ask how
You can afford to live in a place like this?
If you must know,
Colleen got promoted to principal
At john g. Neihardt elementary.
And it don't hurt that
Alice gave me a two-year pay bump at work.
What?
Waymond, get out this pool and take a shower!
How many times I gotta tell you?
Listen, I gotta tell you something.
- It's cold, ders! - Let me tell you something.
- Can we get some of your food? - Guys, stop. No!
Let me get a little bite of your sandwich!
There was whole spread!
You should've gotten some while it was hot.
No way. Then we'd have to wait 30 minutes to swim.
And we had to dunk some fools, man.
- I dunked so many fools! - Did you? I'm sure.
- Waymond almost drowned! - Yeah, that was cool.
Cool. All right, well, anyway, I gotta tell you something.
Listen, I guess tez just got a raise.
All right?
Now, alice is over there. She's real drunk.
We go over there now,
Maybe we can get a raise. You feel me?
Aw, I feel you so much.
Can I just dip my finger in the mayonnaise?
Let me just get your pickle.
- Take the pickle. - Yeah, I got a pickle!
I don't like vegetables, so that doesn't even matter to me.
Ugh, these are the neon ones. I hate neon pickles.
Alice! Heading to pound town, huh?
I didn't know you were such a party beast.
You should come, like, rage with us
- At our... nah. - Yep.
Two years of sobriety, gentlemen.
- Good for you! - Oh!
Two years, gone.
- Oh, it's a bad thing. - Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Ugh.
I saw this house and this awesome neighborhood,
And I was like... Pbbt! Screw it.
Drink the pain away. Good call, good call.
Elbow drop from the top rope, bitches!
Alice, I believe a woman of your talents
And your ambitions deserves everything
In your wildest dreams.
What are your wildest dreams, alice?
Tez told me you gave him a two-year pay bump,
- So I was thinking maybe... - fine.
- Fine. - Whoa.
- Cool, really? - Wow.
- Yep, you got it. - That was easy.
Gil, can I bum a smoke, babe?
So we'll stop by in the morning at the office
Just to iron out the details?
Yeah, works for me!
All right. See you then!
Raises! All right!
- We got raises! - Yeah!
That was so easy. We just got raises.
Let's go smoke weed about it right now.
If these are montez's garage ties,
The guy is balling.
This one just screams money.
Speaking of garages,
Did you know that the word actually comes from
The latin meaning "go rage"?
- I did not know that. Wow. - That's 'cause it doesn't.
- Learned something new. - Interesting enough...
These rooms were built by people's houses
So you could, well, you know, go rage.
You could go there and rage!
We're actually upholding, like, a very,
Very old tradition.
Uh, dummies, I just snopesed it.
It's not true. You're lying.
It's real, and it's gonna go
Into my, uh, bathroom publication,
Uncle blazer's fun facts just to take a poop to.
That's a working title, though.
Look at all these cool-ass toys!
- Oh, my goodness. - Oh!
Once we get our raises,
We're definitely gonna have to rob a toys "r" us.
But with, like, our money, though.
- Rob it with our money. - Oh!
Freeze! Here's a hundred-dollar bill.
I want toys.
- Oh, you want this? - Yeah.
But toys got weird.
What is this? What is this?
- Well, that... that is a bug. - Yeah, that's a...
Well, you know, like... like, all right, so, like...
No, I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying.
- Toys are really weird now. - Toys are getting weird.
They're not made up of anything real.
Like, back in our day, it was like,
Turtles, ninjas, mutant... Teenagers.
Yeah. Or like a cassette tape
That's also a pterodactyl or a, uh, puma.
- I believe that toy. - Yeah.
Or, like, I don't know, like those.
Those are so real.
Gentlemen, this hill was built for a soap-box-derby car.
Let's two-man dream-team this mug.
- Let me get in there, blake. - Get on in here.
I like that.
Oh, but all it takes is a golden ticket.
Yeah, and by ticket, I mean
X.L. Lap hog limited edition condom.
I know one of you dudes took it.
I don't even use condoms.
I was kicked a lot in the balls as a child,
If you must know.
Yeah, and you stole my eric draven t-shirt,
- So you owe me. - All right.
Sorry, boys. But I'm bombing this jonah hill.
- All right. - Get 'em!
Whoo! Go blake!
Picking up speed! There we go, baby!
I am the human missile crisis!
Dude, I wish I was on that thing!
Oh, damn!
I feel like a coors light!
What the...?
Ah! The brakes!
- Go right! - The brakes!
- Don't go that way!
Stop!
He broke something.
Are you all right?
Goddamn punks.
You're under patrolman's arrest. Get in the car now!
Uh, actually, officer, we can explain. Go!
Wait.
Looks like the gate's the only way out.
Oh! I got an idea.
We can ernest saves christmas this situation!
I don't know what you mean, vern.
We hop in the back of the truck,
And we ride it out.
I think we're passing the front gate.
I feel the freedom!
I think we just passed the old train yard!
You guys smell that?
Honey-baked ham.
We're downwind from that togo's by our place.
I'm so hungry.
Shib.
Where's the clicker?
It's in the car.
It's locked.
I'm freaking out.
We're in a garage, and we're not totally raging.
- That is weird. - Shh!
I found the way out.
You're gonna go in his house?
Guys, wait. Wipe your feet.
This is somebody's home.
- Hey, let's go through here. - Let's go through the kitchen!
I'm so hungry. Just give me a second.
Who's calling you in the middle of the night?
My sister, cathy. You know that already.
Really? It's your sister?
You know what's weird?
Is that every time that I pick up the phone,
Your sister doesn't wanna talk.
Oh, please. Would you stop with the paranoia now?
- Oh, my gosh. - Wow.
No way. Check it out.
A zz top shirt.
Shh. Why don't you go ahead and take it?
Save yourself a trip to the "thrift store."
Ders, could you back up off my business, okay?
You're right up in my...
You guys here to fuck maria, too?
No, man. We're just trying to get home.
Wait. Who's maria?
Do you think she'd fuck us?
I've never been enough for you, have I, maria?
Even though I put your daughter in a two-bedroom in manhattan!
Oh! You used to consider her our daughter.
This is why I never should've married an italian.
- Oh, please. - Shh!
He can't talk to her like that!
I gotta do it! No, no. I gotta do this!
You got some nerve,
Talking to an italian woman that way, cal.
Randall?
You're fucking randall?
Yes, I'm fucking randall.
You know what?
I need more right now, cal.
- Hello. - Hey.
Four guys, maria?
Is that what you need to satisfy you?
I don't know who these guys are.
So what do you need?
You need me to watch?
You want me to get in there with those guys,
- You know, get in with it? - No!
You want me to watch you blow them?
'cause I will do that.
- No! - You want me to blow them?
I'll do whatever it takes. I'll blow 'em.
Let's see your dicks. Come on.
- Uh... - I'm good. I'm good.
I'm trying to save my marriage!
Now get your dicks out!
Wait. Hey!
- Bring your dicks back here! - Cal!
{pub}Hey, jillian.
Yeah, we need you to come pick us up.
We are trapped.
Oh! Have her stop at togo's,
Get me an italian with extra mayonnaise...
Wow. I'm starving to death, and no one cares.
Oh, god. I say we just pound this dude.
I been watching a lot of bum fights lately.
You kick him in the balls, I'll stab him with a syringe.
Dude, it is not about brute strength right now.
He's got the law on his side.
We caused thousands of dollars of damage.
We're not gonna have raises because we're gonna be in jail
When we're supposed to be meeting with alice.
Well, there's only one way out of here.
- I like that. - The sewer?
What are you doing? Guys.
Smells like my dad's bathroom.
Ugh, it's like willy wonka
But with poo in the water instead of chocolate.
Ugh. It kind of does remind me of willy wonka.
We'll just stay down here
Till the heat dies down, okay?
That was awesome, right?
That naked dude?
Regular ed helms, man. That guy was packin' heat.
You mean, uh, john holmes.
No, ed helms from the office.
Supposedly he's got, like, a stellar rig.
- Really? - Yeah.
Dudes.
We are so ninja turtles right now.
- We kind of are. - We kind of are.
- Yeah, definitely. - I'm michelangelo.
Yeah, you definitely are michelangelo!
- Party, dude. - Yes.
- I'm raphael. Cool but rude. - Oh, nailed it.
Yep, definitely rude.
That's a character flaw, but I'll take it, you know?
How's it look?
- Whoa, how'd you do that? - Yeah.
Oh, I just chewed it with my, uh, vampire teeth.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Well, let's see.
So we got our nice mike over there.
- We got rude raph. - Yeah, rude raph.
So I guess, uh,
I'm leonardo, the... L...
Katana dude?
No. Definitely not.
No, you're not leonardo.
Don't compliment yourself so much.
Nice try, though.
You're definitely donatello.
Oh, he's so donatello!
Oh, you're so donatello.
Donatello's, like, a nerd.
And like, he... he's like a party pooper.
- Yeah. - That's basically...
That's 100% who you are.
It's anders-tello. That's you.
- Oh, yeah. Anders-tello. - You just described him.
Very good. Plus, you don't even have a mask.
So how could you be a ninja turtle?
Well, you didn't steal me a mask!
You could've stole yourself a mask, man.
Whoa. Enter donatello, the bummer dude.
Just take your little computer out and play with it, donatello.
- Maybe I will. - Check out some facts.
Full bagel bite in here.
They're hard to digest, evidently.
I can't be leonardo,
Why don't I just cover my body in hair
And call myself splinter, huh? How do you think about that?
- What do you think, huh? - I knew it!
I've been using it for weeks, buddy.
It feels great. Smells even better.
I know. Your hair smells delicious,
And I've noticed that.
And I could tell that you were using it
- 'cause you have a bald spot. - No, I don't.
You've seen his bald spot.
I just wanted my hair thicker and smelling better.
You're bald, just like donatello.
They're all bald.
No, actually, they all shaved their heads
To support him while he was fighting cancer.
That's so nice of the other dudes,
Supporting him while he has cancer...
You are gettin' snopesed!
Oh, snopes me, ders! Please snopes me.
I get no bars in here.
Oh, your machine doesn't work, does it, donatello?
You really had to steal from me, huh, bro?
Whatever, man.
You want some of my money? Is that what you want?
You want some of my money? There's a dollar.
Here are some rocks. There's a nickel.
And a limited edition
Lap hog x. L. Condom!
Adam, you burgled me, dude?
- Told you. - I'm sorry, blake.
You don't need it. I need it.
God blessed/cursed me with a thigh-slapper,
And I need an x. L. Condom to package the whole thing.
Oh, yeah, right. Come on, man. I've seen it.
- It's not that big. - No, you're...
I walk in on him jerkin' off all the time.
It is that big. Deal with it.
- I've got an ed helms. - News flash, everybody...
Friends do not steal from other friends.
That's, like, a basic rule.
I didn't wanna have to do this, blake.
But take off your pants.
- Ew, no. - I saw...
When we were chicken fighting, your underwears.
Take off your pants right now!
- Don't do this. - Take your pants off.
And don't make me use my muscles 'cause I'll use 'em.
Yep. There you go.
My breathable mesh jockeys?
- Yeah. He stole your underwear. - Dude!
So you're also a thief.
Pot calling the kettle... Uh...
- Black. - Black.
Hey, guys. It's me.
Jill bon jovi.
Livin' on a prayer that you guys
Are still alive and well.
Regardless, you're wanted...
Dead or alive.
But hopefully alive, 'cause that'd be so weird
If you guys were dead.
A t-shirt I understand!
But you're wearing my underwear.
It's not fair! I don't like doing laundry!
Plus, your stuff smells so good.
You know what else smells so good?
Ders' beautiful hair
Because of my expensive hair foam!
Who cares?
Who wears underwear under swim trunks, anyway?
Now I know you peed in them.
Oh, yeah. I peed in them.
I did. I definitely did.
Oh, my god. That's it. I'm out of here.
I'm done. I don't care if I get caught.
Bye. Bye, bye.
We're locked in here.
Santa, santa, where are you?
It's your little elf, jillian!
Oh, you guys can't see what I'm wearing.
This line of moss and hair and sticks
Represents my area.
I don't wanna see either of you two crooks
Coming anywhere near my ledge. All right?
Like I would even wanna do that.
My area's comfy as [bleep] over here.
If I'm not leonardo,
How come I'm the only one who hasn't screwed up today?
We got two hours
To get to alice's office and get our raises.
You know what? You're not leonardo.
You're a member of the foot clan.
- You are a foot clan member! - What'd you just say?
You're not just a member.
- You're danny. - Danny?
You're that punk bitch danny!
Danny? I'm leonardo!
- No, you're danny. - Katana strike!
Oh, god! That's poop. There's poop in that water!
Ah! We're gonna drown!
- Somebody help us! - Ah! Help!
I did not think I would die
The exact same way as jimi hendrix.
- This is bad. - Help!
Blake, I'm so sorry I stole that condom from you.
It's not because I have an enormous dick.
It's slightly less than enormous.
It's just s. T.D. S run in my family,
And I just wanted a condom big enough
To cover my dick and my balls.
- I'm so sorry! - Okay, yes!
Thank you!
And, ders, I'm sorry that I stole your panties.
It doesn't matter how soft they are,
It's not right for a dude to steal another dude's drawers.
I'm not innocent. I stole the hair stuff.
It smelled great. I just took it.
It smells so good.
- It smells so good. - Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Get out of the poop water!
Get up on this ledge. Come on, come on.
- Is that cool? - Yes, come on, sweethearts.
- Ugh. - These are my guys.
Is it weird that I'm still hungry right now?
Get up here.
We got ya.
- Oh, it's way better up here. - Yeah.
I don't want you thinking
You're gonna die as donatello, man.
- You are leonardo till death... - Yes, you are.
- Thank you. - Which might be soon.
Yes! There you are.
Totally. Leo!
- You are leo! - I'm like you guys!
- Yeah. - You are.
I'm leonardo. I'm the leader.
Let's get something like leverage.
We need to just, like... we can pry it.
Oh! There was that metal bar!
Uh, that's at the bottom of the river, though.
I don't want anybody reaching in there
'cause that's how you get aids.
Unless you have one of these... an aids protector!
- Oh, my god! - I can prevent aids with this!
Maybe this wasn't meant
To house your total package, demamp.
Maybe it was meant to get metal things out of poop.
- Yes! - Yeah, there we go.
- Hold my hair. - All right.
- Ready? - Hold me!
I think it was right over there. There it is!
- Yes! - I got it! I got it!
Get it in there. Get it in there.
It dries, and it dries it quickly.
We gotta find, like, a hole around the circumference.
We could pry it in.
- Yeah... - or make a hole or something...
Oh, my gosh. Give me that, uh, hair foam!
- What? - Yeah.
It's a very little known fact that stuff is very combustible.
We'll shake it up, puncture it, light it,
And we might blow this grate.
All right, man, I'm believing you.
- Thanks, man. - There we go.
All right, here we go.
Here we go, baby.
All right.
Light it, light it!
Is my... is my hair on fire? Am I cool?
It's good, it's good, it's good.
Turtle power!
Go on. Go on!
Leonardo, you lead!
I'll go! Later, guys.
- Get in there. - Oh, oh.
Hey. Oh! There's... there's jillian!
She's parked on top of the manhole cover.
That's the reason we were trapped!
- Jillian! You almost killed us! - Oh, my god.
But thank you for coming to get us.
We really appreciate it. Now take us to work really fast.
Hi, can I help you?
Are you serious?
You idiots think you can fool me?
No. No, come on. Please.
No! Oh, come on. Why?
Alice, we're here for our raises!
- We're here! We made it. - Whoo!
- Raises? - All right. Perfect.
Why do you guys smell like shit?
- Um... - we're here for our raises
Because you said you'd give us one at the party
- When you were flirting with me. - Uh-oh!
Listen to me.
There is no money
In the budget for me to give you raises.
Okay? But...
If you must have something,
I can give you this.
We had a client send us too many.
Oh, no way. A mini-vac!
Wow, cool. Thank you so much!
- That's cool. - I've always wanted one.
- Those are expensive. - I'll take it.
- Can I see? - Just relax.
Well, this is for me. What's for him?
- Relax. - Okay.
- It's all of ours, okay? - Don't be an idiot.
No, it's me. This is mine, right?
Shh! Ah, shut your mouths.
- She gave it to me! It's mine. - Would you let me see it?
You're never gonna use it! Shut the hell up, you idiot.
I have the dirtiest room, anyway.
You don't even know what...
What are you even talking about? You're so stupid.
Mmm.